In an effort to atone for Manchester United’s historically poor run, beleaguered boss Michael Carrick has turned to Yubitsume, or the ritualistic self-amputation of the pinky finger.
“I love this place. I’ll always do what I feel is best for this football club,” said a watery-eyed Carrick at a post-match interview, his right hand mummified in blood-soaked gauze. “And right now I feel the fans need a show of absolute conviction, so I say unto them: please take me digitus minimus.”
Carrick then got down on his knees and offered his linen-wrapped gesture to “the incredible supporters here at Old Trafford and all over the world.”
Yubitsume, popular among the Japanese mafia, or Yakuza, is a symbol of apology for making a mistake deemed punishable by higher-ranking Yakuza members or violating the code of the Yakuza.
“It hurt like a bugger, if I’m being honest,” says Carrick when asked of the details of his symbolic self-mutilation. “Had to use me mum’s scissors on account of me own being childproof and such. Then I administered an anesthetic by way of dousing the wee vacancy in Cutty Sark.”
Manchester United are currently 17th in the Premier League and are amidst a nine-match winless streak across all competitions, their longest stretch without a victory in 38 years.
